


That One Episode with The Thing

by suikalopolis



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Domestic, Established Relationship, Humour, M/M, ME3, Oneshot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-09
Packaged: 2017-12-26 01:57:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/960226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suikalopolis/pseuds/suikalopolis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What was supposed to be a quiet evening together soon doesn't become a quiet evening because a thing came by and caused all sorts of other things to happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That One Episode with The Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Another experimental piece dedicated to that putanna of a jimmy maker because she really is that precious. That, and she makes me feel soulless whenever she mentions mshenko because I just feel so ruined over them to the point of sitting in the corner of the kitchen in silence.
> 
> So here you go again, duck.

“Well, that doesn’t look very healthy.”

Shepard resists the urge to roll his eyes.  Instead, he crosses his arms across his chest and leans his hip against the counter of the kitchen island, frowning.  “You think?”

“I mean, are steaks even supposed to be that colour?”

He throws Kaidan a look and after seeing how the other man wasn’t going to divert his gaze from the admittedly suspicious-looking meat, he surrenders to the fact and sighs heavily in defeat. “Okay, okay, fine.  So I might have forgotten to read the label,” he admits a little sourly with a dismissive wave of his hand. “But, come on.  It’s still meat right? It wouldn’t be any different.”

“Yeah. Well,” Kaidan starts but tails off in distraction as he continues to eye the tenderloin (or at least that was what he and Shepard had wildly guessed it to be), his hand hovering over it in uncertainty.  In the end, Kaidan retracts his hand and lifts his chin to give Shepard a small crooked smile.  “Can you even be sure that it’s safe for human consumption?  I mean, what if it’s alien meat?  I don’t think I like the idea of eating an elcor.”

Shepard grimaces at the thought and he shifts against the counter, feeling a little unsettled especially now that he recalls speaking with an elcor diplomat – Kuorth, was it? – on his way home from the market an hour ago.  Funnily enough, the topic they both had fell into conversation with one another was about gastronomic experiences in different planets.  Noticing the questioning look Kaidan was throwing his way, he banishes the thought of eating said diplomat and gives the man his full attention.  “It doesn’t look like elcor,” he answers assertively.

Kaidan cocks his eyebrow at this and Shepard unfailingly notices how the downlight above him accentuates his handsome features a lot.  “What?  Don’t tell me you’ve actually seen an elcor cut open?” Kaidan whispers conspiratorially.

Shepard can’t help but smirk. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“A shame.” Kaidan presses his hands against the surface of the counter and drums his fingers for a few seconds before concluding, “Then it’s probably elcor. I mean, seriously, look at how hard it is.”

“Uhuh.  And what makes you think people eat elcor?” asks Shepard, quite driven by the idea that elcors like Kuorth are not and certainly _cannot_ be a potential form of delicacy.  Jarvik would contest otherwise though.  He’d probably say that elcors were best served upside down or something in his cycle.

“What makes you think they don’t?  I mean, no offense but they’re not exactly ‘people’ now, are they?” says Kaidan with a wry smile as he continues to look at the meat.

“Is that you being mildly xenophobic there, K?” Shepard says teasingly as he pushes himself off the counter and crouches down to open a cabinet, reaching in for the salt and pepper mill as well as few other things.

“Just giving you my tactical appraisal, Shep,” Kaidan chuckles as he finally gives in to temptation and pokes the meat with his index finger.  The muffled squelching sound it makes causes the hairs on the back of his neck to rise and Kaidan can’t help but feel a little more worried because seriously, just what the hell were they looking at?  He glances over the counter to look at Shepard and notices the array of ingredients the man was lining up in between them.  His back stiffens.  “Hey, um?” he starts hesitantly and when Shepard doesn’t look up, Kaidan shifts uncomfortably against the counter.  “What are you doing?” he finally comes to ask.

“Hm? Seasoning,” states Shepard distractedly, as if it was obviously the most obvious thing in the world.  It takes him about three seconds to realise that Kaidan hadn’t asked him a question and he pauses, stopping to peer over the rim of the counter.  “What, am I doing it wrong, K?”

“You’re going to _cook?_ ” Kaidan looks absolutely horrified.“Shepard, we don’t even know what that thingis.”

“It’s meat,” Shepard answers simply as he rises to his feet.

“Yes, I can see that, wiseass.  But it’s alien meat.”

“It’s still meat though,” Shepard retorts before he looks at it appraisingly. “Damn pricey meat.  The salarian who sold it said it was one of the best cuts in the Milky Way.”

“That’s not the point,” Kaidan says and reaches over to pick up the _thing_.  Contradictory to what Shepard thinks, he believes that _thing_ is not meat.  It was a _thing_ which obviously did not belong in their kitchen. “It’s not edible.”

“Meat is edible,” Shepard mutters stubbornly and to Kaidan’s surprise, he pushes his hand away and pulls the thingclose to him. “And how would you know that anyway?”

“Do you really want to go down in history as the galactic hero who died not from giving hell to Geths and Reapers but from meagre _food poisoning_?”

Shepard shrugs. “Sounds human.”

“No Shepard.” Kaidan reaches over and pulls the thing back towards him.  “It sounds ridiculous. Now get that spanking hot ass out of the kitchen so I can get rid of this thing.”

Shepard drags the thing back and puts his hand firmly on it, apparently placing his claim.  Kaidan can’t help but cringe at the squelching sound the thing makes and he throws a displeased scowl at the man.  Unaffected, Shepard continues to assert, “But it’s meat.”

“It’s an abomination,” Kaidan declares and he stretches his arm across the counter in order to grab hold of the thing.  His hand jerks back in surprise when Shepard suddenly swipes at him.  Kaidan looks at him in disbelief. “Oh, come on. Really?”

“It’s stillmeat.”

“It’s still _not_ meat.”

Kaidan and Shepard stare each other down.  In one, two, three heartbeats, they made a mad lunge for the thing and snatched both ends of it.

“I paid a lot for that meat, Kaidan.  You are not going to destroy it.”

“Oh but I will.  Believe me.”

“Oh no.  You are not going to throw this obscenely expensive piece of meat.  You are going to cook an obscenely delicious steak for your hungry boyfriend.  Now give it here.”

“No.”

“Major.”

“ _No_.”

“You’re saying no to your own CO?  You’re wasting, Major.”

“It’s not wasting when I’m just looking out for the one I love, Commander.”

“For the one you love?  I –” Shepard pauses at this.  Apparently it takes him a few seconds to realise just what Kaidan has said and when the man’s words finally sink in, Shepard actually looks rather bashful because _wow, did he actually just use the L word like that?_   “Huh,” breathes Shepard as he releases the thing and rubs the back of his neck sheepishly.  A small crooked smile lifts his lips. “Er, thanks?”

That stupid little boyish smile Shepard has on was all that was needed to disarm Kaidan in less than two seconds.  His stubborn resolve crumbles instantly at the bashful lilt of Shepard’s voice and without another word, he reaches over the counter to grasp the man by the front of his shirt and yanks him close, crashing their lips into a sloppy, misplaced kiss above the thing.  Not that Kaidan minded.  And he was pretty certain neither did Shepard judging by the pleased groan he makes.  For the both of them, it was these type of kisses that were the best really.  It wasn’t magical.  It wasn’t well-practiced.  It was raw, rushed and unbelievably clumsy for a pair of men in their thirties.  Kaidan notes how there was a lot of nose bumping, teeth clacking and scratchy stubbly chin brushing in their kissing but whilst the kiss was short of perfection, it was what he realised they both really liked about each other and what they needed from each other.  That particular sensuality of imperfection.

Shepard was the first to pull out of the kiss and he was grinning widely, licking his lips repetitively as if he was trying to trace the phantom weight of Kaidan’s mouth on his before it could disappear.   Feeling dazed himself, Kaidan could only smirk back at him.

“Wow,” whispers Shepard.

“Wow only?” Kaidan asks and he moves his hand upwards to brush his thumb across the other man’s jaw.

Shepard grins widely.  “Double wow.”

“Mhmm.  And you know,” Kaidan murmurs, making that endearing breathy chuckle which always makes Shepard melt a little inside. “There’s always more from where that came from.”

“Oh?” Shepard gives him a meaningful look.

“Yeah,” purrs Kaidan. “But first.”

Kaidan shoves the meat ungraciously to the side and (unwittingly) the force of his biotics causes it fly off the counter and sail across the room.  Two seconds later, there was an unexpected explosion in the living room and muscle memory causes Shepard to instantly throw himself across the counter, tackling Kaidan to the floor.  It’s Kaidan, however, who automatically shoves his body against Shepard’s in order to shield the man from whatever it was that meat…thing…whatever did.

“What the hell?” came Shepard’s harsh whisper the moment their apartment is draped in silence.

“I don’t know,” Kaidan replies as he pushes himself off Shepard but maintains a protective grip on his bicep.  “But it seems okay now.”  Kaidan releases a shaky exhale. “God, what do you think–”

“Kaidan,” Shepard suddenly interjected.

Kaidan glances over at him. “Yeah?” He could see the corner of Shepard’s mouth twitch.

“Right. Okay.  So fill me in here a little,” Shepard says as he purses his lips into a thin hard line.  “Did a piece of meat actually explode in our living room?”

Mirroring the grave look which undergoes the other man’s face, Kaidan gives him a curt nod. “Mhmm.”

Shepard’s brows pinched.  “Is it messy?”

Kaidan lifts his head to peer over the edge of the counter.  He can’t see very well but he spots a few blotches of red splattered here and there, especially across their expensive leather sofas.  “There are a number of difficult-to-remove stains, yes,” he reports.

Shepard is quiet for a few seconds. “That salarian tricked me didn’t he?”

“Possibly.”

“And I almost ate it.”

“Uhuh.”

“I could have exploded.”

Kaidan nods once again, humming, “You could have.”

“But I didn’t.  Because you saved me.”

“Well, I always have your back now, don’t I?”

“Right. Huh.” Shepard looks rather bewildered and he draws his knee up to his chest, perching his chin upon it.  “I could have died,” he mused. “From detonating meat.  Commander Shepard of Normandy SSV versus a cut of anti-personnel bovine.  That’s…”

“Stupid, right?” huffed Kaidan. “I told you but you wouldn’t listen.”

“No, no.  It’s a rather original idea actually,” Shepard remarks with a silly grin and at Kaidan’s astonished look, he continues. “I think it’s a piece worth documenting by Diana Allers.  Imagine, ‘Commander Shepard and Major Spectre Kaidan Alenko survives deadly close encounter with anti-personnel bovine’ as a headliner.  Sounds neat, no?”

Kaidan rolls his eyes.

“Aww. Really? Come on K, I think it’s cool.”

Kaidan clambers to his feet and dusts himself off.  Why, after being with Shepard all this time, it should really be no surprise that Shepard would only laugh in the face of death after brushing shoulders with it far too many times than Kaidan was personally comfortable with.  Pushing away the ill feelings which tended to crop up with that line of thought, Kaidan offers his hand to Shepard to which the man happily takes and he helps him up to his feet.  “I think the rest of crew would agree with me on not really following your sense of cool,” he teases.

“No shit. Well that’s depressing. But listen Kaidan,” Shepard starts and when Kaidan looks at him, he finds himself lost in the sincerity found in Shepard’s steely eyes. “Honestly, thanks.  For everything.  You’re always saving my ass.”

“Well, I didn’t fight like hell for you just to have you stolen away by a piece of meat, you know?” Kaidan says softly.

Shepard’s lips quirks up into a rare lovely smile. “Did I mention how much I really do love you?” he suddenly says rather frankly with so much fondness that it takes Kaidan so much self-control to not pummel his commander to the ground and beat him shitless for being so endearing.  

“No.  But after that episode with the thing, I think you’d better come closer and show me.”

“Aye aye, Major.”


End file.
